The Fairies Do It?

The dishes, making the bed, making dinner, vacuuming, who does all of this at home for you? There are exceptions, but in most cases, mum takes care of the household in more ways than are ever appreciated.

For mums, it can become an identity – they can lose themselves and become just the person at home with what Deb Rae said is “the mental load,” a list of responsibilities that mums must complete every day.

“They themselves are at the bottom of the list, and often, you don’t get to the bottom of the list once you’ve looked after everyone else,” Deb said.

Deb Rae is a Mackay based life coach, author, and speaker, who has worked with mental health organisations, as well as one on one life coaching to help people invest in themselves.

Over the course of the Covid-19 pandemic, Deb spoke with mums across Mackay who, like many groups, were feeling even further mental strain during a time of uncertainty.

“It started with just friends and people I work with, and I found they were exhausted, overwhelmed, and there’s a lot of pressure [on them] to have a certain type of life as a mum,” Deb said.

“They spend so much time doing everything for everyone else and remembering everything that everyone else wants that I have lost myself in that process somewhere.”

Mums can feel buried in an avalanche of responsibility that, unfortunately, men can’t always understand. There’s a link between mother and child that is intangible and differs from that of a father and child – as well as societal expectations that can be heaped onto those biological feelings.

A mum can often be expected to make the kids lunches, make dinner, while a dad might take out the trash or walk the dog. There are exceptions, but these are the societal norms often laid before us.

It can be a thankless job to be a parent, and Deb, through her conversations with these women, found that being a mum can be an even less thankful position.

“Women talked to me about how they felt they were failing; that the list that they could do for everyone else was endless, so you never feel you’ve achieved everything,” she said.

“This sense of, I’m failing and I’m not good enough, I don’t feel pretty enough, I can’t do enough – they’re sitting in a sense of failing all the time.

“And, usually, no one ever says thank you.”

To combat this, Deb is now organising a Celebrate Me Retreat Program, because sometimes being a mum makes you feel like a broken mess.

She’ll be taking a group of women on a retreat, and a two-month long program, to get off the never-ending merry-go-round and to help women get back to themselves.

“It’s about becoming aware of that pressure and trying to clear away some of that other stuff and coming back to who you are,” Deb said.

“Helping women come back to their values and what they want from life.”

Deb’s first program will start in March, and she hopes to build on this initial program to provide a range of support for women and mums in the coming year.

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