Why Are We So Bad at Honest Conversations?

Judy Porter. Photo supplied

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We talk a lot about communication in the workplace, but when a conversation might upset someone, expose a problem, or produce an outcome we can't control, for many - their communication skills tend to disappear.

Currently, I’m seeing avoidance of feedback, ignoring team tensions, and performance discussions so watered down that nobody actually understands there is a performance problem. Your team-members are not mind-readers, and honestly, most of them are too busy to pick up on your ‘hints’. Not having authentic discussions is a ‘you’ problem, not a ‘them’ problem.

The uncomfortable truth is difficult conversations trigger our human instincts. We are hardwired to be social, and potential loss of relationships, status, or belonging can feel like a threat. Our fight, flight or freeze response doesn't exactly make rational conversation easier, because the more we stress, the lower our IQ becomes.

Stepping into difficult discussions becomes easier when we prepare for them. Here’s my go-to list:

1. What is the outcome I need? Start at the end. Change of behaviour, termination, more self-awareness – if you haven’t worked out what the objective is of the conversation, you’re not ready to start it.

2. What are the fears & threats the team-member may have when I ask to speak to them? If I can’t identify and help manage them in the discussion then their ability to listen openly and objectively is greatly diminished. They are just waiting for the threat to appear in the dialogue rather than hear all the details.

3. What are the emotions attached to this discussion? Embarrassed, angry, frustrated, confused – by identifying validating someone’s emotions we can help de-escalate and move the conversation forward. “I can understand how this would be frustrating” doesn’t mean we agree, it means we understand how it feels for them.

4. What is the outcome everyone wants? The team-member, the organization, the rest of the department – what will work for everyone?

5. How do I ensure this doesn’t happen again? Be curious about how this came about and discuss how you could all do better moving forward. Different processes or different phrasing of instructions can be a big help ( Sometimes people’s definition of phrases and words can be all it takes to create conflict.)

Avoiding a difficult conversation doesn't ever make the problem disappear, it simply gives you short-term relief while it gets quietly packed into the team-members ‘backpack of resentment’, to be lugged around until eventually creating a much bigger problem later.

Honest, authentic conversations combine curiosity, effective listening, accountability, understanding perspectives, managing emotions, and finding mutual purpose. Start with authenticity and good intent: “I might not have this right, but something doesn't feel right, and I think we need to talk about it.”

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